How to celebrate

There is a difference between doing celebratory things, and celebrating.

After my morning swim a few days ago, over coffee I was exchanging Christmas catering stories with my friend Nik as we dunked panettone in our coffee. I made an intuitive comment about how our Christmas had felt more celebratory this year ... but when I tried to explain why I floundered. So over the last couple of days I've found myself pondering. 

We are lucky. For the most part we live a pleasant and enjoyable life that includes family, friends and good food. Our normal everyday lives are peppered with what many people would consider 'special occasion food and circumstances.' There is a heightened sense of that for Maria and I after we decided 10 years ago that we would endeavour to live where people holidayed. Since then a resort on the Sunshine Coast, the Seaport Marina in Launceston and Barwon Heads have been home. So the general community vibe is chilled and casual.

Special occasions therefore are typically marked by dressing up and going out, where professional chefs cater to our ever increasing expectations. I can only speak for myself, but often in those special occasion contexts, there is so much going on, so many interactions with old and new friends, family and loved ones, that the ability to be totally present to the reason for being there is diminished. We do celebratory things, and to an observer we may look like we're celebrating, but we are simply doing nice things in a nice environment.

So, why did Christmas this year feel genuinely celebratory?

To celebrate, you have to be clear about what it is you are celebrating. There are typically rituals associated with celebrations, and the best rituals are the ones that bring the meaning of the celebration to the fore; whether that be a wedding, a football grand final, a solstice, a graduation ... or the Christmas - New Year Holiday season. This year we knew what we were celebrating: being together and the new family members. We were not going through the motions of doing celebratory things, we were celebrating. Aided by three factors ...

1. Yes, the Covid thing. We have been restricted from being with loved ones at will. And it has been hard to coordinate larger gatherings for all the reasons we have become too familiar with. This Christmas, with one exception, we had all our little family, partners and grandchildren together under one roof and it felt very good. We had enough time together to have slow conversations, for people to do their own thing, but not too much so that we began to bump into each others' needs and wants.

2. Maria and I had prepared well ... it felt like it took a week to arrange all the bedding, shop and cook as much as we could so that we could be fully present when everyone arrived. Note to self - it was worth it.

3. We had two 2.5 year olds and an 8 month old, who pretty much called the shots. And we wouldn't have had it any other way.

So yes, it was Christmas, but more so it was a week of unashamed feasting and looking each other in the eyes and trying to be present to what mattered most to the other. We were happy to be together and our gathering was lubricated by extra effort to prepare and eat celebratory food. We are different people with divergent interests and values ... but we knew that we belonged together for this week.

This year we also agreed not to buy presents except for the littlies. Instead we all offered something that had been made with others in mind, or a gift for everyone's use. My suspicion is that at least for me it helped take away that thing where the main bit of the day can be unwrapping gifts that we have either chosen ourselves or don't need. I'm sounding a bit like the Grinch, but I think it made a difference for us. The family rituals that have emerged and are emerging, and the preparation Maria and I invested, helped us focus on each other rather than the celebratory 'things'. 

My memo to self includes:

• Know what it is I am celebrating.
• Prepare well, both in terms of external stuff (hospitality) and internal (attitude and mindsets).
• Understand how rituals work and try to cultivate them to help bring out the meaning of the celebration.